


Lies

by Spooky66



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Fictober, Gen, Post Break Up, revival, season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 00:22:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12331791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spooky66/pseuds/Spooky66
Summary: Inside Fox Mulder's depression





	Lies

It closes in on you and chokes out anything good left in your life. Every fucking breath is difficult and takes all your energy. The worst part though is the look in her eyes. The pity, the irritation, the sadness. You want to tell her that you’ll do better but you know it’s a lie. You’ll never be better. Every day you are just pulled deeper into the pit. 

Your past haunts you like a specter and your mistakes hang off of you like a phantom limb. When you close your eyes at night you see the faces of your parents and your sister. You see the face of your son. All people you’ve failed. And when you open your eyes you see Scully who you are currently failing.   
Your days are spent searching the internet for various conspiracies and for your favorite porn. 

She asks one day how you can get it up for the fake breasted women in the videos but not for your flesh and blood wife.  
You have no answer for her. 

Maybe it’s because of the effort of connecting with another person. The women on the computer screen don’t have feelings for you. You don’t have to look into their eyes and see all the love and disappointment that lie in Scully’s. 

Some days you want to punish her for staying with you. 

She could be doing so much more. Deep down you know that she loves you and that’s why she stays but you accuse her of staying out of some kind of duty or guilt about your son.   
The first couple times you say these types of things she takes it in silence with tears in her eyes. The third big fight she yells back at you and you feed off of it. 

When her words hurt, you feel a sick satisfaction inside but when she storms out you feel empty.

Your world is one of contradictions. All you want to do is spend your time with her but at the same time, you just want her to leave you alone. There is no question that she deserves better.   
At night you wait to go to bed until you are sure she is asleep if you even go to bed at all. 

When she buys new lingerie and tries to entice you, you shrug her off. Later, when you can hear her crying in the bedroom you put in your headphones and blast music to cover up the sounds of your failing marriage. 

On the day she finally leaves you feel vindicated. You try to convince yourself of the lies you’ve said to her. That she has been waiting for an opportunity to leave.   
That she’s seeing someone else. 

That she doesn’t love you anymore. But you know they are lies. It’d be so much easier to watch her go if they were true.


End file.
